Identity Theft

Based (verrrrrry loosely) on True Events.

Alexis Lieberman has been hacked. And not just hacked like someone stole her credit card information and did something reasonable, like buy a new TV or go to Aruba. Oh, nooooooo, of course not. No, she got hacked, and her credit card was used to buy the most vile, disgusting thing she could even contemplate.

Sub sandwiches with extra mayo.

That’s right — her identity was stolen and all they got was some cheap sub sandwich delivery, and not even good subs at that. But that’s beside the point. The point is that her identity was stolen, the sanctity of her computing world was violated, and it is high time that the evildoers were brought to justice, and made to answer for their crimes against Lexi — and against lunches worldwide. I mean, really. Extra mayo? Who even does that?

But now Lexi has another problem. Nobody cares. Not the local police, not the police in the town where the subs were fraudulently purchased, not even the FBI, who’s supposed to handle things like interstate wire fraud, international drug cartels, and human trafficking.

No, there’s no evidence of international drug cartels or human trafficking, but there’s also no evidence that those things aren’t involved, now is there?

So Lexi, after a long afternoon day drinking with her next door neighbor and BFF, Rhonda Mabry, she does the only thing she can think of — she loads up the Prius and heads off to Orlando in search of justice and whoever would order extra mayo. I mean, gross.

Along the way, there are drunken bar fights, drunken Bar Olympics, underwear malfunctions, a visit to at least one drunk tank, a fling with a man missing his eyebrows (which may or may not be Lexi’s doing), a showdown with the Russian mob, and a mechanical bull named Hornicus Prime.